*"it's time for you to update..."*
... so i was told.

yes there's been a lot on my mind these days, but which are eligible, or necessary, to be posted for all the world to see?

here's one: the idea that my Father in heaven will bring me into a spacious place was brought to my attention a few years ago, along with a few other things. (note: if you want to know more about this, i'd be more than happy to explain - just ask - but i prefer not to do it on this forum.) at the time, some of those other things stood out quite significantly to me, and i had been pondering upon and asking the Lord what they meant from time to time. i have even recently taken (yet another) step of faith towards a particular direction because of one of those words.

but it was only today (or rather yesterday, since it's officially tuesday now as i write...) that i realized going into a "spacious place" was biblical. well i suppose it's time i looked into what this really means. so i looked up a few verses and this was the one that seems to linger:

He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.
But now you are laden with the judgment due the wicked;
judgment and justice have taken hold of you ~ job 36:16-17

now i'm not posting to share with you how this has since impacted my life spiritually. no, because i have no idea what it means. i have no idea what God wants to tell me with this. so if there's anyone reading who's gifted with the prophetic, and wishes to share a bit of wisdom, please do.

thanks :)

selah.

*a postscript*
one more thing... i just remembered...

something that has lingered heavy on my heart these past few days, and something that i reflected upon at the turn of the new year...

for reasons which are still a little hazy to me, i have felt a deep withdrawal from the masses for some time. this is a withdrawal not so much of the physical, but of the emotional and spiritual to some extent. i think it really sunk deeper at the turn of the new year last year (if anyone recalls, i was in uncontrollable sobs between the hugs and 'happy new year!'s).

so i suppose what i want - nay, need - to do is apologize and ask forgiveness from all of you for my lack of presence in spirit for the past year or so. some may have noticed, some may not have (especially, i suppose, the ones i only got to know last year...), and i know it is also accentuated because derek is the complete opposite, and it is difficult not to compare even for myself. but that's not the point.

the point is, i know there have been many times, many places, when i could and should have been more. more of a friend, a sister, a fellow sojourner. but i wasn't, and i'm sorry. i regret all the missed opportunities to be an agent of God's love, grace, kindness... i only fear that some of the gaps which were created because of my withdrawal have grown into deep chasms which cannot be bridged.

i admit i don't know where to go from here. i try to reconnect - the mind and body is willing but sometimes the spirit is still disconnected. there has definately been better moments in the past few years, but now, as i consciously try to make amends with my own spirit, the struggle seems even harder.

so, i ask you to forgive. i want ALL of you (i would name each and every one, even the ones who don't read blogs, but that would take too long...) to know that i want to be here for you, if only a bit out of shape.