*beauty in ashes*

i sit here in the pregnant girls' hostel housemother's room, very much alone, finding comfort in my blog, because i can't sleep. i just... can't.

my body is bone-tired, but i guess my spirit is restless. in the midst of this all-too-familiar feeling of detachment from the world (physically, emotionally, spiritually...), i guess i just need to get some words out.

you know, i just realized what the most revolutionary words i have ever read are. they are words i have read many years ago, many times over, but tonight, i felt their impact most strongly:

God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the kingdom of heaven is given to them.
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are gentle and lowly, for the whole earth will belong to them.
God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will receive it in full.
God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted because they live for God, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

i just happened by koryl's blog tonight, and her last entry, dated june 27, spoke of the LOVE that we find amidst our own brokenness,
isolation,
pain,
and frailty.

this recognition of how abruptly the horizons of my human-ness end, can only push me closer to the One who offers infinite love. as impossible as it is for me to comprehend, my finiteness is made infinite in the light of this One who chose the nails for me. it's a kind of role reversal isn't it? He gladly chooses to take our place so that we can have his. His place is full - FULL (as in not lacking any) - of the things of our deepest heart's desire: selfless love, complete understanding, total acceptance. how my spirit longs to be in that place! until i get there, completely there, i refuse to give up. recognizing my own frailty is a hard pill to swallow. becoming christlike is hard - dang hard. i am in no way shape or form as christlike as i'd like to be. after all these years of following, i may have only made baby steps. sometimes this road is like that horrible nightmare where you're running down a long corridor, chasing after something, but the more you run the farther away you get and the longer the corridor becomes. i am in no way saying that being a disciple is a nightmare. it's just that the longer i'm in the presence of eternity, the more i realize how big and deep and wide it is.

but i'm here.

i will wait. and i will keep walking. and i will always choose Him. because as koryl says, this is my worship.