i'm spent.
that's all there is to it. i'm all out of myself, and right now knowing God loves me, is here with me, and gives me all strength and patience, etc. just doesn't seem enough anymore. i need some tangibles.
this past week i've realized just how much i've underestimated the toll my new job has on me emotionally. it's not just my job, it's adjusting to my new living arrangements, learning to work with new colleagues, bridging language barriers, and many other things. and i've realized that when i am in need of someone to lean on... there is no one. i can't remember in recent or even distant history when anyone has called me just to see how i was doing. not that that's anything new, because i've gotten used to my independence. but i've realized how unbalanced this part of my life is. and in these times my attention is also drawn to the lack of any appreciation in those i have especially tried to reach out to... you know, those ones that everyone else seems to forget about. and now that they have finally integrated, i get swept aside. not that reciprocation is something i especially look for when i give, but it still hurts, especially when you're already hurting... like alcohol on an open wound.
am i having my own little sobfest? maybe.
is the devil playing tricks on me? maybe.
but all of this came to a head yesterday. it was all DISCOURAGEMENT. i feel like i have been sowing and sowing... with nothing in return. and my only comfort is that my reward in heaven will be that much greater without much earthly rewards. but that's no comfort to me NOW is it? yes in theory, i would MUCH rather have the applause of heaven than the applause of men. i've never had much of that. but then it certainly requires a lot more faith doesn't it? i've always thought of myself as someone with quite a bit of faith, not enough, but still quite a bit. i've never had much problem working for no money, or believing the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. but especially when it comes to people, can this Faith ever run out? can it be so beaten and bruised over the years beyond recovery?
i know the answer is no, but these days i feel like it's a 'yes'... yesterday all day i heard was:
"don't give up!"
"don't be discouraged - you are not alone!"
"the answer to discouragement is industry!! (ie. keep going with all you got)"...
there doesn't seem to be another answer. i certainly can't come up with any. so i guess i'll have to just keep going, and see how far this Faith will take me.
that's all there is to it. i'm all out of myself, and right now knowing God loves me, is here with me, and gives me all strength and patience, etc. just doesn't seem enough anymore. i need some tangibles.
this past week i've realized just how much i've underestimated the toll my new job has on me emotionally. it's not just my job, it's adjusting to my new living arrangements, learning to work with new colleagues, bridging language barriers, and many other things. and i've realized that when i am in need of someone to lean on... there is no one. i can't remember in recent or even distant history when anyone has called me just to see how i was doing. not that that's anything new, because i've gotten used to my independence. but i've realized how unbalanced this part of my life is. and in these times my attention is also drawn to the lack of any appreciation in those i have especially tried to reach out to... you know, those ones that everyone else seems to forget about. and now that they have finally integrated, i get swept aside. not that reciprocation is something i especially look for when i give, but it still hurts, especially when you're already hurting... like alcohol on an open wound.
am i having my own little sobfest? maybe.
is the devil playing tricks on me? maybe.
but all of this came to a head yesterday. it was all DISCOURAGEMENT. i feel like i have been sowing and sowing... with nothing in return. and my only comfort is that my reward in heaven will be that much greater without much earthly rewards. but that's no comfort to me NOW is it? yes in theory, i would MUCH rather have the applause of heaven than the applause of men. i've never had much of that. but then it certainly requires a lot more faith doesn't it? i've always thought of myself as someone with quite a bit of faith, not enough, but still quite a bit. i've never had much problem working for no money, or believing the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. but especially when it comes to people, can this Faith ever run out? can it be so beaten and bruised over the years beyond recovery?
i know the answer is no, but these days i feel like it's a 'yes'... yesterday all day i heard was:
"don't give up!"
"don't be discouraged - you are not alone!"
"the answer to discouragement is industry!! (ie. keep going with all you got)"...
there doesn't seem to be another answer. i certainly can't come up with any. so i guess i'll have to just keep going, and see how far this Faith will take me.
posted by jana* at 2:23 PM
