i'm spent.

that's all there is to it. i'm all out of myself, and right now knowing God loves me, is here with me, and gives me all strength and patience, etc. just doesn't seem enough anymore. i need some tangibles.

this past week i've realized just how much i've underestimated the toll my new job has on me emotionally. it's not just my job, it's adjusting to my new living arrangements, learning to work with new colleagues, bridging language barriers, and many other things. and i've realized that when i am in need of someone to lean on... there is no one. i can't remember in recent or even distant history when anyone has called me just to see how i was doing. not that that's anything new, because i've gotten used to my independence. but i've realized how unbalanced this part of my life is. and in these times my attention is also drawn to the lack of any appreciation in those i have especially tried to reach out to... you know, those ones that everyone else seems to forget about. and now that they have finally integrated, i get swept aside. not that reciprocation is something i especially look for when i give, but it still hurts, especially when you're already hurting... like alcohol on an open wound.

am i having my own little sobfest? maybe.

is the devil playing tricks on me? maybe.

but all of this came to a head yesterday. it was all DISCOURAGEMENT. i feel like i have been sowing and sowing... with nothing in return. and my only comfort is that my reward in heaven will be that much greater without much earthly rewards. but that's no comfort to me NOW is it? yes in theory, i would MUCH rather have the applause of heaven than the applause of men. i've never had much of that. but then it certainly requires a lot more faith doesn't it? i've always thought of myself as someone with quite a bit of faith, not enough, but still quite a bit. i've never had much problem working for no money, or believing the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. but especially when it comes to people, can this Faith ever run out? can it be so beaten and bruised over the years beyond recovery?

i know the answer is no, but these days i feel like it's a 'yes'... yesterday all day i heard was:
"don't give up!"
"don't be discouraged - you are not alone!"
"the answer to discouragement is industry!! (ie. keep going with all you got)"...

there doesn't seem to be another answer. i certainly can't come up with any. so i guess i'll have to just keep going, and see how far this Faith will take me.

*ngo sic gong guong dong hwa*
you know when we westernized folk get together in hong kong, we like to speak chingrish because it's so funny? becoz we lie to have der funny time lah.... but you know what i realized this week? local chinese like to make fun of westerners trying to speak cantonese too! i have to put up with collleagues who take the mick out of anglosized chinese all day long, complete with bad tonal pronounciations and all... now i know how the locals feel. *sigh* i guess there's never a lack of cultural lessons to be learnt here, even being a supposed native of hong kong. can you say "tck"?

*granny sweaters*
i don't know if i made a lot of fuss about my new living conditions... it's really not that bad. aside from yesterday, when i PK'd down the stairs while carrying my bucket of water from the dehumidifier. the real miracle: i didn't spill one drop from the bucket! i landed square on my ass with the bucket still intact... too bad i can't say as much for my sore butt.

anyway, my living arrangement may be a step down from the haven, but my work so far has been great. i have a chance to learn so much about the actual social welfare system of hong kong, and take on more relevant casework, and be in a much more professional environment than before. essentially speaking, volunteering at mother's choice has been such a huge step up for me professionally compared to when i was in a paid position at kely support group. and the best part of this job? being able to wear my ridiculously long sleeved granny cardigan everyday, because my colleagues seem to prefer a subzero working temperature. it's just a simple black cardigan with some grey embroidered flowers... but it's SOOO soft. and the sleeves are really really long.

i love my granny sweater.

*i believe in miracle doors*
church (i'm so tempted to start calling it "our House"...) was an emotional trip yesterday. we were bombed with the news that one of our kids, jacob, was suddenly admitted to hospital over the weekend and diagnosed with leukemia. leukemia. i couldn't stop the tears from coming as we prayed for him and his family... i didn't really understand why i was so struck by the news, since i don't even really know jacob or his family very well. i've only actually spoken to him once, when i helped out with an outing. from what i've heard, he's a bit of a handful in class, but i've always had a soft spot for "difficult" children. my heart broke when i heard the news. i couldn't imagine what it was like for his parents, his sister, for him. does he understand what is happening to him? does he understand what WILL happen to him? i could only pray that there is special grace in the relationship that young children have with God that we adults can't fully understand, and that he knows that his Father in heaven has him firmly in His hands and is loving him like no other.

tony asked us before he let out the news, if we were a family. yes, we are. and as a family, i believe everything that happens is interrelated, and that the same God watches over every member of the family with the same care and attention. mandy shared another miracle this week in our journey to build the vine center. in the midst of getting the space ready to start renovation, the problem of having a big enough door to move in furniture came up, and we thought we had come up against a wall when we were told that it would take an extra 10 days to build different size door.

we could not afford a 10 day delay.

but as the construction worker began work, first in knocking down an old wall, he discovered that, lo and behold, there was a perfectly intact and useable glass door inside the wall! this means we do not need to do 10 extra days of work, but in fact, saved time because there is already a door we can use!!

this same miracle God who is telling us once again that there is no wall that can stand in his way, but that he OPENS DOORS in places where we think there is only a wall, is also the one who watches over little jacob. that is why, ultimately, i am not fearful. i know that our Father loves his family dearly, and He will open a door at the right time in the midst of this illness which we think is an impossible wall by human standards.

PRAISE GOD.

*beauty in ashes*

i sit here in the pregnant girls' hostel housemother's room, very much alone, finding comfort in my blog, because i can't sleep. i just... can't.

my body is bone-tired, but i guess my spirit is restless. in the midst of this all-too-familiar feeling of detachment from the world (physically, emotionally, spiritually...), i guess i just need to get some words out.

you know, i just realized what the most revolutionary words i have ever read are. they are words i have read many years ago, many times over, but tonight, i felt their impact most strongly:

God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the kingdom of heaven is given to them.
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are gentle and lowly, for the whole earth will belong to them.
God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will receive it in full.
God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted because they live for God, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

i just happened by koryl's blog tonight, and her last entry, dated june 27, spoke of the LOVE that we find amidst our own brokenness,
isolation,
pain,
and frailty.

this recognition of how abruptly the horizons of my human-ness end, can only push me closer to the One who offers infinite love. as impossible as it is for me to comprehend, my finiteness is made infinite in the light of this One who chose the nails for me. it's a kind of role reversal isn't it? He gladly chooses to take our place so that we can have his. His place is full - FULL (as in not lacking any) - of the things of our deepest heart's desire: selfless love, complete understanding, total acceptance. how my spirit longs to be in that place! until i get there, completely there, i refuse to give up. recognizing my own frailty is a hard pill to swallow. becoming christlike is hard - dang hard. i am in no way shape or form as christlike as i'd like to be. after all these years of following, i may have only made baby steps. sometimes this road is like that horrible nightmare where you're running down a long corridor, chasing after something, but the more you run the farther away you get and the longer the corridor becomes. i am in no way saying that being a disciple is a nightmare. it's just that the longer i'm in the presence of eternity, the more i realize how big and deep and wide it is.

but i'm here.

i will wait. and i will keep walking. and i will always choose Him. because as koryl says, this is my worship.

*His dwelling place*
a few weeks ago i spoke about the dwelling place of God at sna (soon to be flight852), and i've recently just finished reading a book called "consumer or consumed?", based on psalm 69:9 ("zeal [passion] for your house consumes me...").

as we at the vine prepare to move into our new physical home in the chinachem building, i'm compelled to think more and more about what God's desire is for this house of his. the design of our new home has been inspired by many words pertaining to the tabernacle and Tent of Meetings of the old testament, and the character and footprint of God on this place. on a spiritual level, if we liken the House of God with any other house, with different rooms (ministries) for different functions, inhabited by a family with parents (pastors & leaders) and children who are all, hopefully, living their best and helping the rest of the family live their best... then maybe we can conceptualize God's house more. i told the sna-ers that we, as a group of people who choose to worship together, are the dwelling place of God. it has nothing to do with a physical building or room, but everything to do with the people. i tried to encourage them to start living like the dwelling place of God ought to live, and not wait for someone else to "fix" our problems before we feel like we can get on with the life God has for us.

i think this idea is the same among individuals within a particular ministry like sna, as in a bigger context like a church with various ministries and departments. we are all just trying to be the best the God has intended for us, aren't we? we shouldn't hold back or sell ourselves short because of things like feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, lack of direction, insurmountable odds, or even feelings of jealousy, bitterness, self-recognition, or tradition/legalism... because none of these things are reality within the House of God. NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE REALITY WITHIN THE HOUSE OF GOD. how sad it would be to come to the end our lives here, then realize we never experienced what God had prepared for us to the full!

but sometimes our house (in a general sense, not necessarily the vine) carries with it symptoms of dysfunction like any other family - symptoms of miscommunication, inconsideration, competition among siblings - and we need to go through some "family therapy" before we can move forward. sometimes the roots of these things run so deep it may take a long time, and a real commitment, to change. i think the theme for us as a church at this time is change. joyce meyer made it clear that pain (or struggles in life) is inevitable, but it's up to us whether we want to go through the pain of staying in the middle of our struggles or the pain of change to overcome them. 180's series 56 has made one point clear: change is also inevitable, and we can choose to change as God wants, or we can try and fight it.

so i'm committed to change. i'm committed to transformation. i want to have my mind renewed everyday. as cliche as it sounds, the bible is really such a how-to guide to life. so many people wallow in confusion as to what God wants them to do, how to make right choices etc, but it's all made so simple in this one verse:

don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. ~romans 12:2

*no hesititaion*
pondering the mysteries of life's up and down turns.

after thirst on saturday, i had an unexpected phone call in the middle of the night from my half-brother, saying that his stepmom has been yelling at him and he left the house. this is not the first time this has happened, but when he said she tried throw a letter opener at him, i was irate and decided it was quite enough. he's always telling me about how his dad and stepmom treat him horribly, how they don't give him any money for food and yet refuse to let him eat at home... so i called the police hoping they would be able to do something to stop this cycle. my brother has called the police before about this, but they never seem to do anything useful. i figured we might get a better result if i called, since my brother also has a psychological condition which may cause the police to not believe him.

i am not entirely naive about the incompetencies of the hong kong police system, but i was still surprised at how absolutely unhelpful the officer was (should i really be shocked?). not to judge all police officers unfairly, since some of the ones i spoke to did try to help, but the one who went to pick up my brother was so rude and useless that i am still considering writing a complaint.

then on top of all this chaos at 2 in the morning, my downstairs roommate decided she needed to explain to me how hard she works compared to me, and that she really needed me to be quiet so she can sleep. i thoroughly admit that i was inconsiderate and that in the midst of dealing with the police i had forgotten how late it was, but i didn't have the patience at that very moment to deal with her. i still can't figure out whether i need to worry about things with her. is it only because of her poor english and brash argentinian nature that make her seem like she is perpetually pms-ing?? or is it me? to be honest, i've never had any real complaints from any of my many roommates in the past (and i've had enough - about 23 - to qualify for a good sample), so this is kind of a new problem for me. i've made a decision in the first week to not complain, so i won't. but i still need to settle in my own mind what exactly it is that makes her seem like she's pissed off at me all the time.

i just listened to sam song's sermon at 180 on life with the Spirit. turn the other cheek. love those that are difficult to love. not as easily done, but something i want so much to be a part of my life. so i'm trying. i'm trying to change a lot. i mean, there's so much to change. i'm nowhere near the image of the one who created me in His image. i like what luis cabral said on sunday: we are all on a journey up a mountain, collecting a different perspective as we travel, and as we share with each other our journey, we can gain other people's perspectives and create a fuller picture of this mountain and the One who travels with us. if we hear other's journeys, but don't learn from their lessons as well, then we are just the those james talks about:

for if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance. you see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. but if you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law--the law that sets you free--and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. ~ james 1:23-25

i don't want to forget the things i hear, the lessons that others have learned and shared, because i know i have heard God's truth in them, and i can't turn my back on it. do i need to be told something a thousand times before i realize that's what God wants? i hope not. He delights in a heart that is quick to obey, and i hope to be that kind of person. no hesitation.